This is not one of those times.

Why, God? WHY!?

The cutsey imagery.  The paint color combination.  The big chunky rims.  Everything about this is wrong.

But the worst part of this is the car that’s been bastardized.  Normally, if this was just a crappy Scion or faceless Honda, I’d just shake my head and chuckle.  The car in question is a Stratos.  Now admittedly, this is probably a modern kit car (probably a Stratos Hawk), but it’s based on the Lancia Stratos.

The reason the car guy inside me is getting all upset is because this car is a legend.  Styled by Bertone (one of the most legendary car designers of all time), powered by a Ferrari V-6, and built by what Top Gear called “the most charismatic car makers of all time.”  Not only is it an insane super car, it’s a legend in the World Rally Circuit.  It won the 1974, ’75, and ’76 World Championships (it probably would’ve won more, but parent company Fiat wanted to promote their own models, so it was replaced by a less successful Fiat 131 Abarth).  Here’s what this beast SHOULD look like.

Ah, much better.

I wouldn’t normally rant about cars on this site, but this comes down to what’s appropriate.  One person I was discussing this with claims the orange paint job looks better than the original.  I say this is the equivalent of painting over the Mona Lisa in neon colors.  Just because it’s eye-catching doesn’t make it a good idea.

And remember kids, pimping your ride anime-style is all well and good, but leave the Classics alone.  That’s what the Honda Civic is for.

I can see my house from here!

Found on Kotaku.

-F1 2010

Yes, that's a screenshot. Yes, it's just that pretty.

This is the racing game for people who thought Forza 3 was “too arcadey.”  Personally, I lost most interest in real-world F1 when they pulled out of the US (although they are returning in 2012), however this is a Codemasters game (makers of the Dirt series, and Grid).  As promised, this is a remarkably deep simulation racer, forcing you to use tactics during your races.  Do you spend another couple of laps practicing, learning the course better, or do you retire early, conserving your tires and engine?  Fortunately, there’s a lot of customization here, so you can switch off some of the more hardcore elements, and dumb down the AI.  There are a few flaws here and there.  Given how realistic the game is, it’s surprising that there’s no safety car, or mechanical failures (though there is crash damage).  There are also a few graphic bugs, but they largely stand out due to the game being so beautiful.

Buy this: if the idea of adjusting downforce to cut an extra .05 seconds off your lap time to be appealing, if you’ve ever played a Codemasters game.

Don’t buy this: if you’ve never heard of the Monaco Grand Prix, if you’re just looking for something you can pick up very quickly, or if you think NASCAR is the be-all and end-all of motorsports (or more obviously, if you don’t like racing games).

-Enslaved: Odyssey to the West

Post-apocalyptic New York never looked so good.

Based loosely on the Chinese tale Journey to the West, Enslaved takes the platforming action from Prince of Persia, and mixes it with the visuals from Uncharted.  Essentially you play a character named Monkey, who has to lead a young girl named Trip through the ruins of New York, fighting off rampaging mechs (some of whom look disturbingly like Dog from Half-Life 2) in an effort to return Trip home.  Combat is simplistic (but visually rewarding), and platforming is linear, but easy to pick up.  But the stars here are the visuals, the music, and the character interaction.

Buy it: if you own an HD TV, if you enjoyed Prince of Persia but thought the last few entries were garbage, if you enjoy a nice single player romp.

Don’t buy it: if you’re expecting more than 10 or 12 hours out of this, if you have a friend who wants to play, if you’re still using an obsolete standard def monitor.

-Dead Rising 2

Phone call for you! Hope it's a doctor!

It’s campy, it’s a mall full of zombies, and it uses parasols in ways you never imagined.  Yep, it’s a Dead Rising game!  Every October, I have a little tradition of picking up a horror-themed game, and DR2 is this year’s candidate.  This time it adds the ability to custom-build weapons (combining a bowie knife with boxing gloves creates knife-gloves, essentially Wolverine-style weapons).  Other than that and a change of scenery to something much more Vegas-like, there isn’t that much different from the first Dead Rising game.  Unfortunately this also includes the game’s sluggish controls.  Be prepared to throw your controller in rage.  A lot.

Buy this: if the idea of slaying zombies with two chainsaws duct-taped to opposite ends of a kayak paddle sounds appealing, if you liked Dawn of the Dead (or Shawn of the Dead for that matter).

Don’t buy this: if you hate long load times, if you can’t handle really bad dialogue, if you can’t abide poor controls.

-Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions

Does whatever a....well, you know.

Spider-Man has had a history of mixed success in the video game world.  On the one hand, you have Spider-Man 2.  On the other hand, you have Spider-Man: Friend or Foe.  Fortunately, Shattered Dimensions scores closer to the latter.  Basically, Mysterio has shattered the Tablet of Order and Chaos, pieces of which have traveled to alternate time-lines, such as the noir Spider-Man universe (pictured above).  Each Spider-Man has his own strength (Ultimate Spider-Man is uber-powerful, Noir Spidey is stealthy, etc.), so essentially you’re getting 4 smaller games wrapped into one package, and tied together by a unifying plot line.  Fortunately, all four Spider-Men have excellent writing, hysterical puns, and perfect voice acting.  Even creator Stan Lee helps out with some narration in classic 60′s style.  So what they’ve done is take a cross-over comic, and turned it into a video game.  Fan service ensues.

Buy this: if you like Spider-Man (duh), if you like funny dialogue, if you remember the short-lived Spider-Man 2099 series.

Don’t buy this: if you can’t handle a very bad camera, if you hate what they’ve done with web-swinging and wall-crawling (both can be frustrating), if you don’t like Spider-Man (again, duh).

-Halo: Reach

I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Microsoft’s unkillable IP gets another entry, this one being the last by original creating studio Bungie (all further entries will be done by the new 343 Studios).  You should probably know the drill by now: humanity vs. Covenant aliens, last of the Spartans, remember Reach, etc.  Single-player mode’s story isn’t quite as epic as I’d expected, but it gets the job done, as well as giving us a surprising space flight combat level (which proves to be massively entertaining).  Multiplayer continues to be fast and frantic, but now game modes are even more customizable.

Buy it: if you like first-person shooters, if you want to see the prequel to Halo’s story, if you have friends who also enjoy FPS.

Don’t buy it: if you don’t have an internet connection (half the game’s in the multiplayer), if you can’t handle 13 year-olds hurling homophobic slurs over XBox Live (or at the very least are too lazy to mute them), if you think the Halo series is overly-pretentious and over-hyped.